Asymmetrically committed relationships: A case study

Renowned consultant clinical psychologist Dr Kerry Ashton-Shaw explains asymmetrically committed relationships, or one-sided relationships, using a case study of a previous patient.

In unhappy and unhealthy relationships ‘one-sidedness’ is a theme I see again and again. These people find themselves in relationships where, for example, one partner is always the one to say, “I love you” and plan for the future, while the other partner seems to just ‘turn-up’ and be along for the ride (so to speak).

Asymmetrically Committed Relationships (ACRs) are defined as relationships in which one partner is significantly more committed than the other, leaving the less committed partner more ‘in control’. Research suggests that a high percentage (35%) of romantic relationships are ACR’s. The big question is, why do we stay in one-sided relationships?

I worked with *Charlotte a couple of years ago. She described striving to make her partner happy, which resulted in her giving up friends, sports and work in an attempt to do so. In return, she was cheated on, bad-mouthed and left waiting around for hours on end.

For Charlotte, severe ill health throughout childhood meant missing vital experiences in learning to socialise and relate to others. When she returned to school, at the age of 14, she struggled socially, and as a result, concluded there was something wrong with her; that she was ‘unlikable’. Because she believed she was unlikable, she began to always put others needs before her own. This left her vulnerable to others taking advantage, which reinforced her belief that she was unlikable.

Unfortunately, this was the cycle she was stuck in with her current partner. She was desperately sad and searching for happiness in her romantic relationship but missing how she was relating to herself. She saw the world through a lens of her being ‘unlikable’ and in romantic relationships, ‘unlovable’.

However, Charlotte was able to recognise this unhelpful pattern of relating to others and spent time learning to see herself differently, by building up her friendships and spending time doing things that were important to her. Fortunately, she put herself in a better position to move into a more equally committed romantic relationship.

*Charlotte is not an actual client, she is a mixture of many clients.

If you are struggling in an asymmetrically committed relationship and would like to discuss this with Dr Ashton-Shaw, do not hesitate to book a consultation through her Top Doctors profile today.