Coronavirus: what to do if your elderly loved ones are isolated or live in a care home

Whilst people all over the world are staying at home and social distancing during the coronavirus pandemic, it can be a stressful experience for those who are not able to have direct contact with elderly relatives to give them love and support and/or to receive the same from them.

Many people describe ‘grieving’ for the lack of contact with their parents or their adult children. People are particularly worried if a parent has dementia and cannot fully understand the current situation. Change is particularly confusing for people with dementia. Worrying about loved ones invariably increases our anxiety. Leading psychologist Dr Nikki Scheiner explains just what you can do in order to try and stay in touch with your elderly loved one during this time.

What you can do

Maintain contact as far as you are safely able to. If you are a carer and deliver food to your family, you can continue to do this as long as you observe social distancing. At the start of the restrictions, some family members travelled to relatives’ homes simply to wave through the window. As new government restrictions on non-essential outdoor activity have come into play, you will need to find alternative methods of communication. 
 

1. Telephone your family. This is obviously the simplest way of maintaining communication especially if you arrange a daily time. Before you call, think of what you might want to say other than or in addition to talking about the coronavirus or health. Remember the purpose of the call is for both parties to lighten the load of the other. 
    
2. If your family member is in a care home which does not have telephone connections in each room, you could call the home to leave a message. It is important to bear in mind that care homes are under great pressure at present and will not have much time to answer calls. When you get through, ask if there is a good time in the day to call. 
    
3. You could also ask whether the home has iPads and could set up Skype/Zoom or any other platform to enable you and your family to talk.
    
4. If your relative is in their own home with carers going in each day, liaise with the agency which provides care and ask if they are able to facilitate contact. 
    
5. WhatsApp! If your family member has WhatsApp, you could send voice messages; if they have hearing problems, use text.
    
6. If your family member has a mobile but has never used WhatsApp, you could ask the home to set it up with them - i.e. ensure your number appears – and show them how to make and answer calls. Or you could request that a care worker is with your relative at a mutually convenient time. Obviously, if your relative is in a nursing or care home, arranging contact with your relative will again depend upon the demands on the health professionals in the home. 
    
7. Share photos and /or videos – these have an immediate emotional impact and maybe a good way of communicating with elderly individuals with cognitive impairments. Sending audio files is also another way of communicating. 
    
8. It is unlikely that the care home will encourage you to write letters until it is known how long the virus can live on paper. 
    
9. Just remember that many of the elderly will have lived through at least one war and may well be more resilient than their adult children who have not previously experienced the stressors that this crisis confronts us with. Comparing the separation that many of the elderly experienced during the War – maybe as a result of being evacuated – with the current situation may help remind your parents/ elderly family members that they already have developed the emotional resources to help them manage. 
    
10. Normalise anxiety and vulnerability: we are all trying to navigate the current uncertainty.

Dr Scheiner is available via e-Consultation video calls during this pandemic. If you’re experiencing anxiety or need someone to talk to, you can book an appointment via her Top Doctor’s profile here.