How to navigate new relationships
Written by:New relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are a natural part of daily life and social interactions. Sometimes, however, the complexities of the development of new relationships may be frightening or confusing to tackle, causing difficulties.
Dr Kerry Ashton-Shaw, renowned consultant clinical psychologist, is available to help. Here, she speaks to Top Doctors all about the different reactions to new relationships and the positive benefits of therapeutic relationships.
Thousands of young adults across the country will have started a new and exciting phase of their lives at colleges and universities this autumn. They may have left home for the first time, moved to a new city, and left behind their school friends and families.
There are inevitably new relationships to be made; friends, tutors, study groups, and possibly new romances… The complexities of social interactions can, at times, be tricky for most people. For others, however, social interactions and the forming of relationships can be scary and confusing.
Why people react differently to new relationships
The way in which we react to new people is influenced by our past experiences of relationships. This process starts with our earliest relationship - our ‘primary caregiver’ – which typically is mum, then dad and then our other family members.
If our family is loving, caring, nurturing and responsive to our needs, we learn that others are trustworthy and predictable and we feel safe and special. We then have a healthy ‘blueprint’ for future relationships, and we find it easier to make friends at school and ask our teachers for help. We have better self-esteem and stronger resilience against life’s ups and downs, so the social milieu of freshers’ week is exciting and manageable.
But what if you weren’t lucky enough to have this optimal start in life? What if your primary caregiver was depressed or in an abusive relationship? What if your household was chaotic, frightening and unpredictable? What if the adults around you were frightening and you felt unsafe and you learned that you weren’t special, but that you were bad, unimportant, worthless, unlovable….
Then going to school, you would likely be more wary of other children, feel threatened by their approaches, be anxious and unable to take part in games and imaginary play. You would find it harder to trust your teacher and ask for help. Making new relationships, whether it was friendships or romantic relationships, could leave you feeling unsettled, confused, trying to hide what you believed was your true ‘bad’ self. Freshers’ week doesn’t sound so much fun from this perspective, does it!
How to approach and nurture new relationships
So, what can we do about these differences? If you were lucky enough to have had a caring and nurturing upbringing and feel able to make new relationships – look out for others who seem to be finding it more tricky. They may be withdrawn or appear defensive. Give them a little extra time if you feel able, try to imagine what it’s like to live with the expectation that others are untrustworthy and getting close to someone will end up with you getting hurt.
If people can have a new experience in relationships, this can change the way their relationship ‘blueprint’ works, and they can use the new experience to start to relate to others differently. A small gesture can make a big difference in someone’s life – give them the hope that maybe relationships can be positive and bring joy into their lives.
If you are that person who may need a little extra help, think about reaching out to your university’s student support network or student counselling service. The therapeutic relationship can be a good starting point to make some changes to the way you feel in relationships.
Dr Kerry Ashton-Shaw is a highly knowledgeable and trusted consultant clinical psychologist with over 20 years’ experience.
If you are looking to change the way you feel in relationships, don’t hesitate to book an appointment with Dr Ashton-Shaw via her Top Doctors profile today.
